Let’s Ban Cans!

From a Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office news release:

A woman was charged today with killing her 59-year-old boyfriend by striking him in the head with cans of food, the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office announced…. The felony complaint alleges Jackson used canned food as a deadly and dangerous weapon and that she was convicted in 2005 for making criminal threats…. On June 16, Jackson allegedly killed David Ruiz while he was at her house by bludgeoning him in the head with the canned foods, the prosecutor said.

You know what I say to that? It’s high time we ban cans! That’s right, and I’ve written a poem to preach my point:

Let’s ban cans,
’cause in the wrong hands,
Cans can kill.
I call it Can Violence;
makes as much sense
as Gun Violence.
The solution,
of course,
is regulation,
’cause a pound
of intervention
is worth an ounce
of prevention.
A grocery permit
with a can limit,
and a background check
to check out
should do the trick.
And no open carry,
we don’t want
people to worry
that they’ll be a victim
of a can to the noggin.
So vote for me,
I’ll protect you
from cans of peas
and from lethal beef stew.

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